Go ahead, tell me it's impossible. Tell me that I'm going to fail, and that even more then failing people will point and laugh and I will lose and friendship or self respect that I ever had.
And yet, I'm going to wad cotton in my ears and hum a little and not listen to your poison.
Deep down you're jealous, you see me so close to things you dreamed about once. And maybe I will fail, and in five years, ten years I'll end up sleeping on an old mat in some alleyway; trying to convince strangers that I didn't drink myself into this condition.
But in failing, at least I will know that I'm alive.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Scene
Lights up.
I know what you did last night.
Said you were going out, said you were headed to the bar with the boys. Smiling I kissed your cheek and murmured "I'll be waiting for you when you get back."
Shut the door and passed the hours, reading and watching the old half broken tv that sits in the corner. Show after show after show, finally a marathon about PI's that catch wayward husbands and fiancees. Silly women, girls really, to be conned by the same tricks over and over and over again. At some point, don't they deserve what they get?
1:45 exactly and the door slams. unzip the old ratty hoodie and toss it aside, trying in my lacy tank top to keep some illusion alive.
"Hey baby...." Your arms are around me, I look for a kiss by get a squeeze instead. You detach yourself and go to the kitchen; I can hear the faucet filling one of our cheap plastic glasses with water.
"How was the bar?"
"Smoky."
Silence. You lean against the doorframe, old green and yellow t-shirt draping casually off your frame. I remember when you bought that shirt, we were together and I said it made you look distinguished. Now it's bleach stained and hole ridden, but it goes well with your unshaven face and calloused hands.
Sliding off the couch and striding towards you, I wrap my arms around your waist and look up into your eyes.
"I got our wine. And dark chocolate. Want to watch a movie? Just like in school..."
"Not tonight baby. I'm tired, work tomorrow, up at five am..."
Trail off and I nod in agreement.
Climb the stairs with a slow and deliberate tread, and I open my dinosaur of a laptop looking for more virtual solace. An instant message waits for me, not ten minutes old. Kara.
"It's so nice of you to trust him like that, going to visit her at this hour."
Visiting her? Her her? He did have a strange lack of booze and cigarette odor. Deep breath, one...two...three. Reply.
"I just trust him that way. He wouldn't lie to me."
"Still, tell him to be careful! The hill gets pretty slippery in the winter and we just had our first snow..."
"Thanks. I'll tell him."
Snow? In October? I hadn't even noticed. Snap the computer closed and walk to the front door, ease it open. Sure enough, about an inch of white clinging to the ground. Snow changes everything, the whole world seems innocent, the whole world is beautiful. And then close the door, snap out the light. Walk upstairs and climb into bed with my own beautiful deceiver.
Blackout.
I know what you did last night.
Said you were going out, said you were headed to the bar with the boys. Smiling I kissed your cheek and murmured "I'll be waiting for you when you get back."
Shut the door and passed the hours, reading and watching the old half broken tv that sits in the corner. Show after show after show, finally a marathon about PI's that catch wayward husbands and fiancees. Silly women, girls really, to be conned by the same tricks over and over and over again. At some point, don't they deserve what they get?
1:45 exactly and the door slams. unzip the old ratty hoodie and toss it aside, trying in my lacy tank top to keep some illusion alive.
"Hey baby...." Your arms are around me, I look for a kiss by get a squeeze instead. You detach yourself and go to the kitchen; I can hear the faucet filling one of our cheap plastic glasses with water.
"How was the bar?"
"Smoky."
Silence. You lean against the doorframe, old green and yellow t-shirt draping casually off your frame. I remember when you bought that shirt, we were together and I said it made you look distinguished. Now it's bleach stained and hole ridden, but it goes well with your unshaven face and calloused hands.
Sliding off the couch and striding towards you, I wrap my arms around your waist and look up into your eyes.
"I got our wine. And dark chocolate. Want to watch a movie? Just like in school..."
"Not tonight baby. I'm tired, work tomorrow, up at five am..."
Trail off and I nod in agreement.
Climb the stairs with a slow and deliberate tread, and I open my dinosaur of a laptop looking for more virtual solace. An instant message waits for me, not ten minutes old. Kara.
"It's so nice of you to trust him like that, going to visit her at this hour."
Visiting her? Her her? He did have a strange lack of booze and cigarette odor. Deep breath, one...two...three. Reply.
"I just trust him that way. He wouldn't lie to me."
"Still, tell him to be careful! The hill gets pretty slippery in the winter and we just had our first snow..."
"Thanks. I'll tell him."
Snow? In October? I hadn't even noticed. Snap the computer closed and walk to the front door, ease it open. Sure enough, about an inch of white clinging to the ground. Snow changes everything, the whole world seems innocent, the whole world is beautiful. And then close the door, snap out the light. Walk upstairs and climb into bed with my own beautiful deceiver.
Blackout.
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