Friday, January 15, 2010

Home Alone

Tonight I'm home alone. Somewhere someone is making you laugh, making your eyes spark bright in that brilliantly beautiful way. I sip my tea and imagine the taste of your lips, soured by beer.
I remember the days when we were young and stupid and you would take me in your arms and the world would screech to a stop. You taught me so much in those hot dark hours, and then sometimes we would stop breathing and let life go. One night I looked in your eyes and I knew somehow that you would be with me forever, long after I scuttled out the door and down the hall in the early morning light.
Somewhere a girl is looking at you and wondering who you are. Your easy smile is intoxicating, women want to drown in it; I drowned in it. Sliding off your seat you will flip a comment back and make people laugh. Once those comments were directed at me; I would bush past you and flick my hair so the mix of my perfume and shampoo would tantalize you. I haven't showered in days now, I pull my hair back into a sensible poof that explodes at the back of my head.
Once I was exciting and fresh.
Here I am, black and white and two dimensional. Why would anyone want this when they can have beautiful, vibrant color?
So tonight, I'm home alone.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Running away

A part of me is ready to walk away.
I'm good at that, when the going gets rough I turn tail and flee.
I want to sleep through tomorrow, never seeing the light of day.
I want to throw my things haphazardly in my trunk and go
go
go.
Maybe when I see you you'll be mad. You'll get sour and displeased that I threw so much away with both hands. You'll look at me with those deep wonderful browns and you'll sigh and finally take me into your arms.
I want to go.
In five years, ten years, it will all be the same. Who needs a Higher Education to work retail, anyway. Who needs any of this? Without another being to share existence with life is pointless. We will be uncomfortably happy, but that is better then comfortably bitter. And there will be a dog and two cats (yes, I will win that argument) and a few messy children to add volume to life. And I will look back on today and perhaps I will sigh at the illusions of youth, but I will know I chose correctly.
I want to go.
My secret is my suitcase, still packed. I refuse to redistribute the articles inside to a room which feels nothing like home. Cliche or not, my home is with my heart and you are currently my heart's keeper. So it's there, a little bent and beaten and waiting for any excuse I can come up with to fly.
I want to go.
And then I remember your voice, telling me no. Telling me I have to do this, I have to be here now. And I wonder; if I go will you welcome me? Will you smile and tell me you love me? Or will you turn away and point a finger back north.
I want to go.
Here I stay.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Deja Vu

Things discovered in the cracked white plastic of my personal time machine; an old laptop computer. I thought I knew everything. Turns out I knew nothing at all. And when exactly did I think attempting poetry at 3 am was a good idea?

From Erin
This is what I think: I think that we are pretty enough,
& likable enough…
and if even that’s not enough to win
by coloring within the lines- then
we’re smart enough
that we should be able to figure out how
to cheat this whole game!
So, where are the boys?
Where have all the cowboys
gone? Where is My
John Wayne?
Where is my
prairie son?
I’ll do the dishes,
if you pay all
the bills.

Sneaking
Awkward limbs
cramped into a twin bed,
arms tucked beneath stomachs
thrown over backs
legs tangled in sheets.
Existing separately,
Side by side.
Turning,
A stroking finger finds a
Back
Leg
Chest.
Hands sweep hair aside
From the neck
Hot air against a cool ear.
Mouths pressing
Almost painfully
Searching for something
Lacking in this existence…
Hours.
Two,
Three,
Six.
Dimly aware of sunlight creeping in
Through dirty windows
And half drawn blinds.
Gathering clothes-
Searching in the half-light.
A parting squeeze
And creeping down a hall
Stairs
Back to a room-
A roommate.
Wondering when,
Exactly,
This is the person that you became.
I became.

Home Life
Wind
Spray
Ocean
Hair in disarray
True feelings
True life.
Now,
Halogen lights
Razor burn in shared showers
Upstairs,
Sneaking home
2 am.
This is not love.
Life here,
Made of cardboard.
Love exists
Without shame
Without fear
And I have
Fallen
Out of it.

Warning
You told me
Many times in fact,
You warned me fully.
Of my own encouragement I continued.
And now I have fallen
Fallen
Fallen
And still I blame you.
Wolf in sheep’s discarded garments
(aware of that cliché)
To catch me through such means.
I hope my veal is as succulent as it is painful-
My bleats are silenced nightly
In my pillow.

3 am
Coffee is warm and forgotten-
Papers creep across the table
Slyly trying to lose themselves among the chaos
A computer,
Open,
Lingers nearby on the desk.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Broken

It's four am and I can't breath. It's too late or too early- you are asleep as you should be. The moon is in my soul and I'm restless. A year ago I wanted this, and while you found ecstasy I left wet imprints on my pillow. I love you I love you I love you. So why am I sitting on a crumbling staircase in my oversized jacket and my bare feet? My darling, please believe me. I love you so much it hurts. But I'm restless and crazy. Maybe it's just the full moon and the jazz in my soul; or maybe it's me.
For my part I'm sorry that I put you through this. I will fix it, someday.
I'm sorry I'm broken.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Hey girl, hey.

Hey you. You look so happy, you think you’re on top of the world. The stupid messages and comments, the wonderful banter that puts the sparkle in your eye.

I wish I could warn you. I wish I could save you; not as a price charming saves a damsel but a down to earth honest to goodness woman to woman intervention.

You wouldn’t listen to me. You wouldn’t listen to her either; or her, or her. Because with you it’s different, with you it’s real- in a way that we never managed or could even understand.

Girl you go. Go and prove us wrong, make him understand that YOU ARE WORTH IT. Because in that moment we will all have become WORTH IT. And if you fail, well we will be right here, and you will be one of us. Join the club.

We’re thinking about getting jackets.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Mass communication

Sitting on the fire escape her life seems oddly distant. Friend with the long brown hair and savvy style has gone; spending another one of her days teasing synthetic locks and presenting girls with newly crisp bows on their dollies hair.
The street smells; coming from the land of the pine and the sea this stink is wonderful. Take a deep breath and fill her lungs with filth and pollution. Grey snow is quickly soaking through her jacket but she doesn't feel her skin numbing; in her mind there are footlights and pyrotechnics and face-paint. In reality there are old cigarettes in a dish made in some long ago ceramics class. But this, this is REAL. This must be what LIFE smells like.

And then she scrambles back through the window, scared that somehow she has trespassed on some great TRUTH that should not yet be discovered. Inside is chilled and now she feels the wet on her jacket. There is nothing here to do, nothing to keep her mind off of everything. So she tries an experiment. Mass Text 101.
Happy new years from the Big City.
Two recipients. Just to make it fair, she considers adding a third to this small trap of morals. But the irony, the simplicity of those two names side by side...too perfect to spoil.

The first response she doesn't really need to look at. It's perfect and sweet and wondering why she is so very many miles away in the cold heartless city.
The second, was not as she had hoped but just as she expected.
"Hey, I'm here too! What are you doing tonight? Just got in from Jersey."
Disgusted, fling the phone onto the couch and sit by the window. Breath in, breath out. So very grateful for the thousands of people in the city to protect her from that one poison.

"Next year" she vows "things will be different. Next year there will be a boy who loves me and he will kiss me at midnight and then I will turn into a pumpkin."
And she reaches for the phone and scrolls down her contacts. One deep breath, two deep breaths; not today. Today she won't play coy games, today she isn't the cynical city girl she so wishes to be. Today she is from the ocean and the cliffs and the sickly sweet pine trees.
REPLY
I wish I was there with you too, I miss you lots and lots. But there will be plenty of walks when we get back to school.
SEND.

Monday, November 30, 2009

American Dream

It's a balmy evening; the white fur wrap sliding off her shoulders seems like overkill. It goes though, goes with the cherry red lips, the formfitting gown, the youthful eyes and dark curls. Breathing into his ear she is pouting, simpering.
"Oh darling, can't we please just go now? I don't want to wait to run into any more old acquaintances and I can't bear not having you in my arms for one minute longer!"
He smells of whisky and cologne, and his hands on hers is strong and reeks of power.
"My darling you know we can't leave until they announce the award, it would be unthinkably rude."
"Oh please...."
A sigh and a hand casually creeping up the pinstripe of a thigh. White elbow length gloves keeping the whole thing lady like, of course. This is a perfectly lady like entanglement.
A deep inhaling of breath and he stands, a dashing smile pasted to his lips. She takes his offered hand and the two of them quietly take their leave.

Outside the night is pierced by the yellow flashes and fast question slung by the ever eager reporters. No, she was not unwell, just had a slight headache and wished to be taken home at once. No, she had no comment on any of the scandals vaguely attached to her name. No, he would not be spending the evening with her, he was simply dropping her off at the Chateau in his car.
Draped in the leather seats in the back of his car her long fingers toyed delicately with his jacket lapel.
"Darling, come out with me tonight."
"You know as well as I that we must stay inside, preferably in separate estates entirely."
"But darling, I will be bored. Please, just come in for a quick drink. I won't make a scandal, I swear it."
Being an actress has taught her just how to play on men's emotions, and the honest question in her eyes was answered by his arm drawing her in just a little closer.

A whoosh up the gravel drive and they are home, her home at least. Inside is dark and cold and elegant.
"Don't lets be inside. It's too warm and wonderful out. Let's go walking." She is sliding her white drape off and her red dress too, and right there in her great hall she is standing with moonlight on her skin and no shame in her eyes. She wraps herself in a robe and slips off her shoes and walks barefoot out the front door.

"There are stories here. There are stars in the sky and a green light across the harbor- there, and there are stories." Silence. The night is breathing and for a while, they let it.
"Tell me a story."
"You wouldn't like these stories. They all end in death; or worse in life without dreaming."
"I don't mind." The night breaths again; exhaling in little puffs across the bay.
"The lawn, that one over there. There are people dancing and drinking and dancing some more."
"Drinking? Scandal!" Her legs are over the side of the dock, she is brushing the water with the tips of her toes. His fingers search her shoulder, looking for some imperfection that does not exists.
"And there, you see your swimming pool? There is a body there. Not an actual person, just the idea of someone, floating I think."
"Alive?"
"No."
The green light is winking at them. The slow whosshhhh as the water slides up and down the shore is keeping time with the clunk of the rowboat pulling at it's mooring. She is staring at the stars and plinking pebbles into the water.
"This is it, isn't it? This is all we have. The rest is a lie, this nothingness, this is what we really own. This is what we will live for and die with."
"Yes."
"Nothingness."
"Yes."
She stands, abruptly.
"Goodnight Scotty, I think I will go float in my pool for a bit."
"Goodnight."
She turns to leave, then pauses standing still with her back to the water.
"I'm leaving you know."
"I know."

The next day the headlines that would have been splashed with horror and intrigue remained focused on stocks and innovation and style. When the police had left and the house staff dismissed he stood there, still. She wouldn't want him to waste such a perfect delusion. So he went home.